Worlds Best Kept Secret

Please excuse my small rant. Blame it on the hormones or what have you. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have read any and everything I could get my hands on regarding pregnancy. After reading pages and pages of information, I have found most women to be very secretive when it comes to this matter. You would think that women would be willing to post anything, no matter how embarrassing, to help another woman in need. But alas, they do not. Because in all honesty it is just that, embarrassing.

So after talking to several of my New Mom Friends these are the tricks of the trade. The untold "gems" that future women get to look forward to, well let me fill you in:

There are several "phases" in the first few weeks/months of pregnancy. For starters there is the "Let me Sleep or I will punch you in the face" Phase. This typically includes wanting to sleep at all hours of the day or night. Falling asleep mid TV show, or conversation for that matter. Though I do not find this phase embarrassing, I find it funny. I do not have the energy to even take a shower some days. And guess what? This only gets WORSE as the months go on. Warning for Men: If your partner is in this phase, do NOTHING other than offer her a pillow and soft blanket and encourage her to take naps as much as you can. This will improve her mood as well as improve your chances for survival during this adventure.

The next I like to call "Accidental contact with my chest and I will kill you" Phase. This includes but is not limited to: Rolling over on your stomach in the middle of the night and wake up to extreme pain so you learn to sleep on your back. A relative giving you a nice "big hug" because its been so long since they have seen you. Small child playing a game and throwing objects at your chest. A stranger brushes by you in public and innocently makes contact. And my ever favorite, running down stairs where a quick bouncing of them can occur and make your eyes tear up.

Then there is the "Who Farted?" Phase where you will have a better nose than a bloodhound. You can smell what other people had for breakfast yesterday. What ANYONE in your apartment complex is cooking.And you can tell as soon as someone used/or needs to use the restroom. This is not my favorite Super Power of pregnancy. In fact, I could go without this one all together.

The "When the F did we get ice cream?!" Phase Not being able to remember anything. Including words mid sentence, not remembering what you were talking about 5 minutes ago.. ... ...

Finally we have our "WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME THIS?!" Phase. Which is typically what I assume women are embarrassed of. At this point you no longer feel like a "lady". This is the constant need to pee. Not being able to go number two, which then turns into major cramping.You will feel 65 years old because of your now need to take fiber pills. You feel fat. You are grumpy. Food usually does not sound good. Small children crying annoys you.  Sometimes discharge. Sometimes light spotting. You will need to pass gas often and can't blame it on the dog, because even the dog runs out of the room when this happens.

Oh the joys of Pregnancy. I am happy to say that I only have 99 days left. Most of these phases have passed and new ones are starting every day.  I have enjoyed endured several pregnancy symptoms and I still know I have a long way to go. 

Yay for me.